“Olann nuair a olann tú,” a short screenplay in Duolingo Irish.
Since I am soon to go to County Donegal to help dedicate a plaque to my grandmother Kay McNulty, who spoke only Irish for the first 4 years of her life, I decided recently to give the Irish language a whirl.
Irish isn’t the hardest language I’ve ever attempted (that distinction goes handily to the agglutinative Native American languages). However, since it was my first Celtic language, it took me perhaps a few more months even than Arabic to get the hang of its orthography, grammar, and peculiar phonetic mutations.
To make matters more difficult, the experience of Duolingo Irish is far more punishing than for other languages. The words aren’t spoken to you as you select them. Many sentences aren’t read to you at all, leaving you with a paucity of aural input.
Worst of all, Duolingo Irish hasn’t been tuned to notice when you’ve made a spelling error in a freeform text box as opposed to a completely erroneous word. So, unlike many other languages that accept freeform text as input and won’t judge you too harshly for eliding a consonant here and there — e.g. the German word for cat is “Kätze”, but you won’t be marked wrong for writing “Kaze”, you’ll simply be given a virtual chuckle and a green light and sent blithely on your way to another Perfect lesson — meanwhile Duolingo Irish will hold you back a grade and elide your Leaving Certificate for forgetting whether the third-person present analytic form of “sleeping” contains one `d` or two. (It’s “chodladh”, so two.)
Thus I was extremely proud of myself for finishing Irish Foundations 1, the first unit out of the four units that Duolingo provides.
That’s when I had a peculiar and ridiculous idea, one that would vindicate all those long hours of painstakingly learning how to spell the word for refrigerator correctly — “cuisneoir” — in a timed challenge, no less, and often in the same sentence as “mhilsean” (sweets), which to me looks like the orthographic equivalent of haggis.
Mwahahaha, I opined. I will use every sentence I have learned in Duolingo Irish section 1 as the dialogue in a screenplay.
So without further ado, I present to you what will surely be the next TG4 breakaway classic to rival The Sopranos.
(Disclaimer: The point of this exercise is for you to have a laugh. I am fully aware that my use of the present-habitual tense in all of the below cases is completely mad. Remember that I am only using the tools that Duolingo provided me in Fundamentals 1.)
Olann nuair a olann tú (“I drink because you drink.”)
SA BIALANN, An Madra Donn — LÁ [In a restaurant called The Brown Dog. Day.]
Itheann beart fhear dinnéar, Séan agus Eoghan. Caithleann siad hata buí. Tá siad sa Mafia. Scriobhann an freastalaí an biachlar. [Two men eat dinner, Sean and Eoghan. They’re wearing yellow hats. They’re in the mafia. The waiter writes the menu.]
EOGHAN: Cá bhfuil do hata buí? [Where is your yellow hat?]
FREASTALAÍ: Cad? [What?]
EOGHAN: Do hata buí. Cá bhfuil sé? [Your yellow hat. Where is it?]
WAITER: Tá bron orm. Nil an hata buí agam. [I’m sorry. I don’t have a yellow hat.]
Ritheann an bean sa biulann. Nil an hata buí aici. Tá guna geal aici. [A woman runs inside the bar. She doesn’t have a yellow hat. She has a bright gown on.]
BEAN: Dia dhaoibh agus slán. Táim i dtrioblóid. [Hello and goodbye. I am in trouble.]
EOGHAN: Tá siad i dtrioblóid. [They are in trouble.]
Feiceann an bhean an cuisneoir. [She sees the fridge.]
BEAN: Cá bhfuil uachtarán na hÉireann? [Where is the President of Ireland?]
WAITER: Tá sé ag an Cumann Lúthchleas Gael. [He’s at the Gaelic Athletic Association.]
BEAN: Go raibh maith agat. Tá brón orm. [Thank you. I’m sorry.]
Siúlann an bhean. [The woman walks.]
EOGHAN: Who are you?
BEAN: Is mise an bhean bándearg. [I am the pink woman.]
SEAN: Comhghairdeas. Is mise an buachaill glas. Bainimid na madraí díobh. [Congratulations. I am the green boy. We take the dogs from them.]
BEAN: Go raibh maith agat. [Thank you.]
EOGHAN: Codlaíonn sé le iasc. [He sleeps with a fish.]
SEAN: Íocaim don chailin. Itheann sí feoil? [I pay for the girl. Does she eat meat?]
BEAN: Ithim. An bportan, le do thoil. [Yes. The crab, please.]
EOGHAN: Bhur portán nó ár portán? [Your crab or our crab?]
BEAN: Ár portán. [Our crab.]
WAITER: Tá na péitseoga agus mhilséan sa chuisneoir. [There are the peaches and sweets in the fridge.]
EOGHAN: Na péitsoga, le do thoil. [The peaches, please.]
WAITER: Agus cad a oleann sí? [And what does she drink?]
BEAN: Uisce, le do thoil. [Water, please.]
SEAN: Fíon nó beoir? [Wine or beer?]
BEAN: Uisce. [Water.]
EOGHAN: Cen fáth go bhfuil beoir ar an bplata? [Why is beer on the plate?]
SEAN: Olaim mar olann tú. [I drink because you drink.]
EOGHAN: Ólaim mar rithim. [I drink because I run.]
SEAN: Ithim nuair a rithim. [I eat when I run.]
BEAN: Ní maith liom é sin. Siúlaim. [I do not like that. I walk.]
EOGHAN: Tugaim gach rud duit. Úsáideann sé. Rithim ár maidin. [I give you everything. He uses. I run in the morning.]
WAITER: Tá an bhean sa chuisneoir. [The woman is in the fridge.]
BEAN: Cad? [What?]
WAITER: Ni hae, tá an portán sa chuisneoir.
Faighim é anois. [No no, the crab is in the fridge. I get it now.]
Téann an freastalaí. [The waiter goes.]
EOGHAN: Ceist. An bhfuil bróga glasa agat? [A question. Do you have green shoes?]
BEAN: Cad átá ar siul? [What is going on?]
WAITER: Tá uachtarán na hÉireann sa chuisneoir. [The president of Ireland is in the fridge.]
BEAN: Ba mhaith liom an nuachtán. [I want a newspaper.]
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